EUGENE, ORE. — In a controversial and highly unusual move, Alan Webb, the American Record holder in the mile, has decided to listen to literally everyone in the world in order to turn his running career around. The 25-year-old Reston, Virginia resident failed to qualify for his second Olympic Team this past weekend when he finished outside of the top 3 in the 1500-meter run.
So, in a move to turn his career around, Webb has announced that he will be scouring the Internet and message boards in order to discover what went wrong for him in this Olympic year.
“I mean people on the Internet really know what they are talking about,” Said Webb in a statement released by his agent yesterday. “And I just need to figure out what went wrong, so why not head to the message boards where everybody knows what they’re talking about?”
Message board posters around the United States rejoiced at the news, citing that Alan Webb would finally figure it out.
John Dawdle, a seventh grader from Ann Arbor, Mich. couldn’t have been more excited. “This is amazing!” He exclaimed through his metal filled mouth as spit flew every which way. “I’ve been running for a full year, and I know that he needs to get rid of that girlfriend of his, she’s only going to cause trouble.”
“This is what us posters have been hoping for all along,” Said Clay Boreman, a 28-year-old ex-division III runner from Oregon who holds a mile PR of 4:45, just less than a minute slower than that of Webb. “I clearly know what it takes to be an elite athlete, and Alan Webb is just not doing it right. I mean he needs to live running day and night. I did it and look what it got me … A great place [his parent’s basement], a great job [he makes $10 an hour at the local running store but gets a discount on shoes], and now I’m one of Alan Webb’s mentors.”
In a phone interview with The Runion, Webb was optimistic about his running: “Yeah, I’m just looking forward to finding out what everyone thinks. I’m putting my trust in them…I heard that’s what Bernard Lagat did. Isn’t that true?”
When contacted, Lagat had no idea what a message board was.