Category Archives: Sports

Bolt TPs Costas’ Beijing Digs

BEIJING, CHINA – After enduring what he felt was unwarranted criticism from Bob Costas and other media outlets regarding the celebration following his dominating World Record performance in the 100-meter dash, Usain Bolt pranked countless members of the press Tuesday night.

Mainly employing the tactic of prank phone calls, Bolt reeked havoc on several members of the media who were awoken to phone calls of running refrigerators and the sale of “retarded blankets”. However, it was Bob Costas of NBC that felt the greatest brunt of Bolt’s babyish escapades.

“Oh I got Costas good,” said Bolt. “If he’s gonna be mad at me for celebrating running the fastest time ever, I’m gonna make him step on a flaming bag of shit.” Which is exactly what Costas did.

Waking up at 3 AM to a fire alarm and a horrible stench, Costas opened his condo door to a flaming paper bag and a sea of white toilet paper that had engulfed the yard of the rented out condo. Confused and worried, Costas stamped out the flaming bag with his feet only to realize that they were now covered in feces. “Aww, its poo!” exclaimed Costas to the transvestite mistress who had appeared in the doorway dressed only in a see-through robe.

Bolt lost himself in laughter after Costas’s cry. He yelped, “He called the shit, poo!” and ran away into the night.

Costas has since realized that Bolt is just a kid having a good time at the Olympics who happens to be freakishly talented. “I will no longer condemn Usain’s behavior following his races…I don’t want to have to eat shit any time soon.”

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Webb Decides To Listen To Everyone

Alan Webb

EUGENE, ORE. — In a controversial and highly unusual move, Alan Webb, the American Record holder in the mile, has decided to listen to literally everyone in the world in order to turn his running career around. The 25-year-old Reston, Virginia resident failed to qualify for his second Olympic Team this past weekend when he finished outside of the top 3 in the 1500-meter run.

So, in a move to turn his career around, Webb has announced that he will be scouring the Internet and message boards in order to discover what went wrong for him in this Olympic year.

“I mean people on the Internet really know what they are talking about,” Said Webb in a statement released by his agent yesterday. “And I just need to figure out what went wrong, so why not head to the message boards where everybody knows what they’re talking about?”

Message board posters around the United States rejoiced at the news, citing that Alan Webb would finally figure it out.

John Dawdle, a seventh grader from Ann Arbor, Mich. couldn’t have been more excited. “This is amazing!” He exclaimed through his metal filled mouth as spit flew every which way. “I’ve been running for a full year, and I know that he needs to get rid of that girlfriend of his, she’s only going to cause trouble.”

“This is what us posters have been hoping for all along,” Said Clay Boreman, a 28-year-old ex-division III runner from Oregon who holds a mile PR of 4:45, just less than a minute slower than that of Webb. “I clearly know what it takes to be an elite athlete, and Alan Webb is just not doing it right. I mean he needs to live running day and night. I did it and look what it got me … A great place [his parent’s basement], a great job [he makes $10 an hour at the local running store but gets a discount on shoes], and now I’m one of Alan Webb’s mentors.”

In a phone interview with The Runion, Webb was optimistic about his running: “Yeah, I’m just looking forward to finding out what everyone thinks. I’m putting my trust in them…I heard that’s what Bernard Lagat did. Isn’t that true?”

When contacted, Lagat had no idea what a message board was.

Runner Injures Pinky; Still Squeaks Out A Win

Pinky Band Aid

PEACHTREE, GA — Brushing aside any doubts concerning his injury, Lionel “Lion” Forest fought through unbearable pain to win the second major race of the Peachtree, Georgia Amateur Racing Series (or the PGA Racing Series), the Utley Supermarket Open 5k (or the US Open 5k).

Forest, the twenty five year old accountant, suffered a paper cut on his pinky only two days before the race. Attempting the Grand Slam of the PGA Racing Series, Forest had already won the Slam’s first leg in convincing fashion. However, having taken two days off to tend to his pinky, there was worry that he would falter on the challenging US Open course. That worry quickly turned to jubilation as Forest once again crossed the finish line in first, holding up two fingers as he broke the tape.

“I was ready for anything out there today,” said Forest, who blew away the field in the last 400 meters, winning by 4 seconds to keep his hope of winning the Grand Slam alive. “But let me tell you,” he continued, “that cut really stung once some of my sweat seeped through my band aid.”

Now, having won both the US Open and The Masterbators (which is put on by the sperm clinic in nearby Augusta), Forest’s attention will move to getting healthy for the British Bakery Open next week before the final leg of the Slam, the PGA Racing Series Championship in two weeks time. He will be applying Neosporin and Band-Aids on the hour every hour in preparation for his next run.

“We couldn’t be prouder of Lionel,” said PGA Racing Series Director Jonathan Newman. “He is what racing is all about in the PGA. There is a stigma that members of the PGA aren’t as tough as the rest of the sports world, but let me tell you, these guys go through a lot. I mean a paper-cut and this guy is out there competing? You show me another sport where someone is doing that!”

With comparisons to Tiger Woods’ performance at the Professional Golf Association’s United States Open, Lion Forest was not so quick to place himself in the same breath as the great golfer.

“Are you kidding me?” he replied when asked if he thought his performance was similar to that of Woods’, who had knee surgery eight weeks ago. “Tiger’s a pussy. I had a fucking paper cut! A PAPER CUT! You know how bad those sting?!”

McCain the Miler

ARIZONA–After Barack Obama spent this past weekend bowling with prominent Pennsylvania politicians, John McCain responded with an athletic endeavor of his own on Tuesday evening. The presidential hopeful toed the line with Arizona Congressmen Rick Renzi and Jeff Flake as the three raced in the one-mile run.

Renzi took the race out hard and closed even harder; winning the race in 6:02, a very respectable time for the 50-year old. Flake was second coming through in 6:14 just not having enough to catch Renzi in the last four hundred meters. Coming in much later and having been lapped 3 times was McCain, a beaten and battered man who struggled to the finish line is 11:04.

“Well I saw that Obama bowled 37,” said McCain. “So I thought to myself, how can I outdo him?” The answer clearly lied in the one mile run to McCain who is rumored to be one of the slowest able bodied presidential candidates ever.

In a contest of athletic futility, McCain came out on top as the worse athlete.

“Obviously,” said McCain, “my foreign policy is much stronger than my running.”

“It has to be,” cried a woman’s voice from the crowd.

That woman turned out to be Hillary Rodham Clinton, the senator from New York and presidential hopeful in her own right.

She then went on to run a mile in bare feet and her grey business suit, crushing McCain’s time and running 4:04, breaking the world record.

“Both these guys are awful athletes,” said Clinton. “The American people are afraid to vote for a woman? Well I have a newsflash for you, these pussies are girlier than I am when it comes to sports.”

Track Team’s April Fool’s Joke Not So Funny

WESPORT, NC — Paul Anderson, Head Coach of the North Carolina A&M Track and Field Team, knew his class of ’08 distance men would be pulling some sort of prank on April 1st. They had done so the past three years, each year outdoing themselves, all the while catching Coach Anderson off guard.

Last year, the class of ’08 involved the team doctor and leaked to the coach that their best runner had broken his leg, thus ending his season. Coach Anderson eventually realized what the date was and the joke was over, but not before the coach had almost soiled himself. So this year, Anderson was ready for anything.

“They weren’t going to get me this year,” said Anderson in a phone interview, “I was ready for everything.”

So when seniors Jeff Galey, Fred O’Toole, and Michael Randall entered Anderson’s office after an easy run, he wasn’t surprised to hear what had happened on the run earlier in the day.

“We went in and told him Ronnie had been hit by a car,” said O’Toole with a chuckle, referring to Ronald Bernard, another senior on the team. “But it was weird…coach didn’t seem too worried at all. He just picked up his coat and said, ‘Welp, let’s get to that hospital and see how he is then.'”

So, the coach and three of his seniors traveled to Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle, the students trying to hold back their laughter and the coach wondering how he could get them.

“Oh, I was thinking I was going to kick them off of the team and then tell them ‘April Fool’s!'” Said coach Anderson. “Then, we got to the hospital.”

There, they entered the room occupied by Ronald Bernard who, with IVs running in and out of his body and a heart rating monitor beeping on the second, appeared badly injured.

Coach Anderson kneeled bedside looking at the boy and looked to be on the verge of tears. The boys repressed their laughter ready to burst and yell, “April Fool’s!!!”

It was then, however, that the coach turned the table: “Ha ha!” He screamed. “I knew he was okay, I know what day it is, you little assholes didn’t get me! April Fool’s to you!!”

At first the boys looked shocked, appalled that they had been gotten. But then, they all broke out in laughter.

“Coach looked at us like we were all insane,” said Jeff Galey. “But I looked at him and I go, ‘Sorry Coach, but we got you again.’

“He looked back at us real confused and then looked at Ronnie. ‘We knew you wouldn’t fall for much,’ I kept going, ‘so we really turned it up a notch this year.’

“And Coach looks like he’s going to cry, ha.

“And I go, ‘he really did get hit by a car, he’s in critical condition!’

“Then Freddie, Mike, and I go ‘April Fools!’

“Man it was a good one!”

It was then that Ronald Bernard’s heart-rate monitor flat lined. He was pronounced dead on April 1st at 5:21 P.M.

Michael Randall offerd his impression of his dear friend Ronnie: “I mean the guy just loved April Fool’s Day, so you gotta be pumped that he went out after we got coach with the best prank ever!”

The Pranksters

Class of ’08 Pranksters
RIP Ronnie

Tactical 60 Plays Into Runner’s Hands

60-Dash ROOTING, PA — Greg Evans of Southern Ohio sent shockwaves through the track world when he surprisingly sprinted away from the field to win the Mid Valley Conference 60-meter-dash Championship. After making it to finals as the 8th and final seed, Evans won the conference title with a time of 10.43 seconds, the slowest winning time in the event’s history.

The defeat came at the hands of James Long and Timothy Smith of Southeastern and Penn Atlantic respectively; two of the top sprinters in the nation, who decided to make this year’s conference title a tactical affair.

“I was in lane 1, and I’m legally blind in my right eye,” said Greg Evans, a senior walk on who was running in his first conference meet. “So I just ran my race and it turned out to be the best race plan possible. I knew it needed to be tactical for me to win, and that’s exactly what I got.”

Timothy Smith had gotten out to a lead at 40-meters on James Long almost every race they had run, but this time decided to switch things up and get out a little easier: “My coach and I decided to mess with [Long’s] head. So, I threw the start a little and he came out in the lead—we had no idea it would mess with everyone so much,” said Smith, referring to what transpired 20-meters into the race.

At this point the race turned to a crawl. Long, who usually came from behind, found himself ahead of the Penn Atlantic runner and slowed to a jog to get in better position. The rest of the runner’s in the field slowed down so as not to mess with their own race plans, which had them keying off of Long and Smith. It was a spectacle to be seen: runner’s jogging in a 60-meter-dash.

“It was the weirdest thing I have seen in my 25 years of coaching,” said Southeastern coach Ronald Rogers.

Not all runners were affected, however. Greg Evans of Southern Ohio sprinted away on the inside and by the time he was closing in on the finish line it was too late for any of the more talented sprinters to catch up.

“I just took off,” said Evans. “And I guess when everyone decided to ‘kick’ with 20-meters to go, I just had a little too much on them.”

Runner Achieves Mythical “Running Boner”, Has Brush with Teammates

ATHENS, OH – Will Tremble felt the first stir around mile five. He was on a long steady run with a tight pack of his teammates when it began. “At first I thought nothing of it,” Tremble told The RUNion in a phone conversation. “This type of thing just isn’t supposed to happen on a run.”

But what began as a stir quickly developed into a full erection. “At first I didn’t say anything…It all happened so fast. I was confused,” he continued. “I mean it went from limp to half-mast to full-out boner in something like a minute.” The silence then turned to recognition and then commotion.

Junior Heanly Adams described his first reaction in a personal interview at the University food court: “At first I didn’t believe it was real. [Pointing to salad bar] I thought he stuffed a pickle or a stick in his shorts…When I found out it was real, I suddenly felt as if ‘the pack was closing in’ as we normally say, but in a much different way.”

Most runners believe that getting an erection on a run is impossible. Nevertheless, stories circulate, rumors pulse, and contests, popularly called “the boner race”, are held nationwide to see who can achieve the mythical feat. It’s rumored, even, that one team held a pot of $200 dollars that would go to the first to produce a “persuasive boner.” When asked how he finally managed the feat, Tremble couldn’t give a definite answer. “I can’t say for sure. I wasn’t trying to get one or anything. I don’t even remember what I was thinking about at the time.”

But some of Tremble’s teamates are beginning to speculate on how he did it. Ray Haystacker, a redshirt freshman, suggested that Tremble flooded his thoughts with “sexy fantasies” to force himself into getting an erection. “Orgies even” Hackstacker goes on “…girls’ team, guys’ team, pin-ups, farm animals…candles and hot wax, lace pillows everywhere…That kid’s got a dirty mind.” Others on the team think it was “something else”, suggesting that Tremble got a lift from substances that are banned in the so-called “boner race.”

“Will wants so bad to be the first [to get a running boner],” Senior Kent Halloway wrote in an e-mail, adding, “He would do anything: raid his dad’s Viagra stash, chew hand-fulls of Spanish fly gulped down with ginseng tea…I even heard he was touring all the local truck stops looking for goatweed. He would just stuff his pockets with quarters, hop in his car, and come back with all sorts of brown bags that he would stash in his locker.” Epimedium, or “horny goatweed”, is a plant species that is believed to be a highly potent aphrodisiac, and carries with it legends of its mythical power to increase virility and sensitivity. Its use in the boner race has therefore been controversial at best.

The allegations of cheating have caused discord between Tremble and some members of the team. Runners from around the country have stepped in to take sides, flooding discussion boards online with heated debates on the issue. Meanwhile, Tremble denies the allegations, calling them “baseless and rooted in jealousy.”

“I would never take a lift,” he issued as a final plea, “I’m a simple, honest guy whose head just so happened to pop into famedom.”

Tremble
Dramatization