McCain the Miler

ARIZONA–After Barack Obama spent this past weekend bowling with prominent Pennsylvania politicians, John McCain responded with an athletic endeavor of his own on Tuesday evening. The presidential hopeful toed the line with Arizona Congressmen Rick Renzi and Jeff Flake as the three raced in the one-mile run.

Renzi took the race out hard and closed even harder; winning the race in 6:02, a very respectable time for the 50-year old. Flake was second coming through in 6:14 just not having enough to catch Renzi in the last four hundred meters. Coming in much later and having been lapped 3 times was McCain, a beaten and battered man who struggled to the finish line is 11:04.

“Well I saw that Obama bowled 37,” said McCain. “So I thought to myself, how can I outdo him?” The answer clearly lied in the one mile run to McCain who is rumored to be one of the slowest able bodied presidential candidates ever.

In a contest of athletic futility, McCain came out on top as the worse athlete.

“Obviously,” said McCain, “my foreign policy is much stronger than my running.”

“It has to be,” cried a woman’s voice from the crowd.

That woman turned out to be Hillary Rodham Clinton, the senator from New York and presidential hopeful in her own right.

She then went on to run a mile in bare feet and her grey business suit, crushing McCain’s time and running 4:04, breaking the world record.

“Both these guys are awful athletes,” said Clinton. “The American people are afraid to vote for a woman? Well I have a newsflash for you, these pussies are girlier than I am when it comes to sports.”


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