A Blow To Runners — The Truth Comes Out

Former AthleteThe cocky distance runner — no longer an athlete.

VIRGINIA – A recent University of Virginia study showed that distance runners are, simply put, not athletic. They also can no longer be called athletes.

In a two-year study, distance runners and all other types of athletes (basketball, football and baseball players and sprinters especially) were tested on qualities such as hand-eye coordination, speed, strength, and endurance. The athletes were tested daily before lead Kinesiologist, Dr. David McCullough, realized that a test wasn’t even needed.

“I thought to myself,” said Dr. McCullough, “if these guys were as good of athletes as the basketball and football players, then why the hell wouldn’t they be playing basketball or football?”

“These are the guys that got cut back in middle and high school,” he continued. “They just aren’t good athletes. They sure as hell know how to work hard, but that doesn’t mean they’re an athlete.”

In a statement released to the Athletic Rules System Enforcers (ARSE), Dr. McCullough advised that the word athlete be stricken from use in describing a distance runner. The President of ARSE, Franklin Harmon, approved of Dr. McCullough’s proposal.

President Harmon offered: “We are doing this so that the arrogant cross-country runner knows he’s ‘less than’ in reference to other athletes. It will be especially poignant on a university campus.”

Distance runners were not pleased with the news. Alan Hall provided his thoughts. “I am an [distance runner used a word not warranted to describe himself] whether or not ARSE believes I am.”

Bad news for Hall is that everyone else agrees with ARSE.

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